Saturday, December 06, 2008

Congratulations are in Order... Mr. and Mrs. Granny's Myth Peeler!

They had a baby! Yay! Congratulations!

*waves to baby Peeler* Coo-wee!

As usual I'm a little late off the mark though*, and baby Peeler probably has a grey beard by now, smokes a pipe, wears tartan slippers and lives in a place like this run by Nuns - and that's if the baby is a girl. I don't actually know, but Congratulations to the parents anyway.

*about a year!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

A Nice Change

I'm over weight. It's no secret and there's no point in denying it - it's a fact.

I went to see the nurse this week about something unrelated, but while I was there I told her how bad my IBS has been recently and joked that it hasn't helped me to lose any weight and that these days I can't even get my wedding ring off. Do you know what she said? Go on, guess. I bet you can't guess.

"Here, have this diet sheet because you really need to try to lose some weight, otherwise you'll develop diabetes and heart problems and you'll be dead by the end of the week"

That would be the usual response wouldn't it? But no, she didn't say that, she said:

"You've probably got some water retention. You want to try to detox by drinking plenty of fluid, and body brushing. Green tea is good for detoxing, and also try some pro-biotics for your stomach"

She then went on to explain the correct technique for body brushing, adding "measure yourself rather than weighing, I guarantee you'll lose some inches"

Umm... ok. Thanks. I'm just a little stunned. I mean, like I said, I'm under no illusions - I'm fat, I know that. It's just so nice not to be nagged about it! In fact, this has given me more incentive to try to lose weight than any previous scare tactics.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

You're as Cold as Ice

Apparently it's gonna be very cold this winter. That's what my sister said anyway, so it must be true. I can feel it already - we're experiencing minus temperatures and it's still only October. With this in mind I decided to go shopping to prepare for the winter months - draft excluders of all descriptions, foam filler for those holes around the kitchen pipes, a shower cap for the air vent (oh yes), and a can of de-icer which I didn't even need because we already have some.

I have to say, the man in the shop didn't seem like much of a DIY enthusiast.

"Excuse me. Can you tell me where your draft excluders are please?" I'm usually very polite I'll have you know.

"Yes. They're in this section somewhere. Just look around."

Ok then. Not very helpful.

I have no idea why I asked the same person for the foam filler.

"Foam filler, foam filler..." I swear he said it about five times. "Oh, you mean the stuff in a can?"

"I think so. It's the stuff you use to fill in the gaps around pipes that go through walls" I explained. Hey, he's supposed to be the expert not me!

"We have these for copper pipes" he said as he showed me some tube shaped foam.

Not exactly out of a can is it? But I thought it would be more polite to say:

"Well... the pipes go through walls so... I need to fill the gaps to stop the drafts. I'll never be able to get that foam in the gaps."

"Well these are for copper pipes" he continued.

Who said anything about copper pipes anyway? I'm not trying to keep the pipes warm, I'm trying to keep me warm! I nearly asked him if I should go and ask one of the female assistants, since they seemed to know more about DIY. But I thought it would be more polite to say:

"Well, it's not really what I'm looking for, so I'll go somewhere else. Thanks anyway"

I know what you're thinking: how do I manage to endure these encounters with such a high level of patience? I don't know. I often wonder the same thing.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Stolen Beach Cover Up

Apparently in July 500 truck loads of sand was stolen from a beach in Jamaica, and no one saw a thing! How do you hide a whole beach? It's not like you could shove it up your jumper and discreetly slip away is it?

Lack of arrests since the incident has led some to believe that the police were involved and that the whole thing has been swept under the carpet.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Today's Top Tip

If you don't like loud chopping noises, don't move in above a Butcher's shop.

Related stupidity here.

Y'know, my brother lives above a kebab shop that's open until 3am. Maybe the half price kebabs are to stop him from complaining about the noise...

Friday, September 05, 2008

Today's Top Tip

Light coloured clothes don't wash well with Tie Dye dresses.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Happy Blog Day to Me!

Happy blog day to me
Happy blog day to me
Happy blog day dear Mrs Maaan
Happy blog day to meee!

*Mrs Man clears her throat and prepares to give her thank you speech*

*Ahem* (tap, tap) Testing. Testing. *Jumps back*

Thank you all for joining me on this special day. I can't believe I have been blogging for two years! I've never had a hobby last so long. I know posts have been a little sporadic of late; I hope I can rectify that in the near future.

I'd like to thank those who have continually stood by me - through good times and bad times - and have continued to read my blog, no matter how pointless my ramblings may have seemed at the time. You are all very special to me *reduced to a whisper* and I would especially like to thank those who have commented on my blog *wipes away a tear*. You have made me laugh, cry, and have warmed my heart, and I thank you most sincerely. *Sheds a few tears as she clutches her bosom*

"Get on with it!"

So now, there is nothing more for me to say except I hope you enjoy the party, and...

...if you enjoy my blog so much how come you still haven't sent me any chocolate?!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Here We Go Again...

Yes, it's that time of year again - the time of year when I suddenly forget how to drive; stall the car at every available opportunity (and create a few of my own); and feel the need to try all five gears until I settle on one that is appropriate for the speed I am driving at.

It's that time of year when I can't remember what anything is called, forcing me to start an impromptu game of Articulate* mid sentence. And the time of year when completely random words and sentences come out of my mouth which are totally unrelated to what I was about to say.

Yes, it's that time of year when I start to suffer my annual brain dysfunction. It has come early this year, but then so has autumn.

Just the other day I said to Mr Man: "I'm just going to sit down and go to the toilet before I start dinner" when what I actually meant to say was: "I'm just going to sit down and have a drink before I start dinner" !

Another favourite seems to be completely forgetting what I've just said the moment I have finished speaking, and then having this awful feeling that I just said something random and having to ask the person I'm talking to "What did I just say?" They probably think I'm testing their level of attention!

Ah yes, here we go again... and people wonder why I prefer to write than talk.

*Articulate is a game where you have to describe a word from a card to your team member without actually saying the word, and they have to guess as many words on the cards as possible in the time allotted.

Monday, August 04, 2008


Patience - number one hit for British male band "Take That" in 2006. First single from the album "Beautiful World", their first album after reforming 10 years after the band split in 1996. Dedicated by Mr Man to my Mum!

I've always been a very impatient sort of person. I'm quite indecisive, but once I've made up mind that I want something I want it yesterday. I never realised where I got this trait from, or how irritating it could be to others, until I went to my Mum's house yesterday.

I always thought she was quite a patient person; she could spend hours knitting. As far as I'm concerned you have to be an incredibly patient person to spend hours knitting.

So yesterday Mr Man and I went to my Mum's house. Mr Man was upgrading* my Mum's (ancient) computer - inserting more ram, bigger hard drive, that sort of thing - and doing some other things that go way over my pretty little grey cells. We were there for over 5 hours. So at about 1am when Mr Man was just about finished my Mum says:

"When you get home, can you log on to MSN so that I can see if my webcam is working?"

"But Mum, it's one O'clock in the morning!"

"Oh, ok then. Well, can you log on to MSN on your phone just so I can see if my webcam is working?"

"But Mum, it's one O'clock in the morning!"

"I know, but I just wanted to see if my webcam is working"

"But Mum, it's one O'clock in the morning!"

I mean, why does she need to know at one O'clock in the morning if her webcam is working or not? But then I realised, this is exactly the sort of thing that would completely bug me until I knew one way or the other. It's a good job we asked her to wait too, because knowing me, if her webcam didn't work at one O'clock in the morning, she would want Mr Man to stay and fix it.

Oh my goodness, I'm just like my mother! I'm going to have nightmares for the next week of me walking down the street pushing a pram with a fag hanging out of my mouth! Argh!

* I hate this word.

Friday, July 04, 2008

The Final Blow

I'd been winded. It seemed to throw me into a state of confusion. As I gasped for air I felt disoriented; dizzy. I staggered around. I felt weak. I didn't know how or where I would find the strength to continue. There was no more "fight" left in me.

Slowly, I straightened up and raised my head. My arms hung limp at my sides. I looked directly into his eyes. As he stared back at me, I knew there was only one thing left I could do. My survival depended on it.

"Mr Man, I'm going to have to go to Morrison's; we've run out of Shreddies" I whispered through my tears.

"Alright, settle down"

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Two Blog Posts for the Price of One!

Yes I know; I don't update my blog for... ever, and then I post twice in one day! That's like "two for the price of one"! Or like "buy one get one free"! Don't you just love special offers? Well here's another one for you:

Tesco are selling packs of 12 bottles of J2O for £4.49! (Well, they are here anyway!) That's approximately 37p a bottle!

Don't forget to take the empty bottles to the bottle bank though - every little helps :)

Today's Top Tip

I know; I'm a very lazy, naughty blogger for not posting for so long. But to make up for it I'm going to share with you what is probably the most important advice I could ever give you:

If you have a dodgy tummy, don't sneeze on your way to the bathroom.

Thank goodness I wasn't in public!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Who Do You Think You Are?

The 4th and final single released from the Spice Girls’ 1st album “Spice” in March 1997 in the UK, and their 4th single to reach number one in the UK charts. It became the official Comic Relief single for 1997 and 2,200,000 copies were sold world wide.*

Who do these people think they are?

And they call the Police “Scum”?

*Please note: I am not a Spice Girls fan.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Stupidville UK

Oh yes, the town I live in contains the highest percentage of stupid people in the whole world. Unfortunately most of them drive.

Just the other day I pulled my car over to the right hand side of the road, ready to drive diagonally across the road to reverse my car into my drive. I saw a car approaching from the other direction, but seeing as the person had to stop at the crossing there was obviously no imminent danger of us having a head on collision. I have no idea what was going through the mind of this driver but as she passed she looked at me as if I was completely mad and muttered something under her breath. Did she think I was actually going to continue driving on the wrong side of the road for the whole length of the road? Has she never seen anyone park facing oncoming traffic before?

This isn’t the first time I have received funny looks when parking my car on my drive. I have no idea why but the whole “reversing car into drive” thing seems to completely confuse everyone in the vicinity. It’s like they’ve never seen it done before.

I seem to have the same problem when I’m parking in town. Today I was in a car park when I pulled diagonally across the “road” to reverse into a parking space, but the person in the car behind me pulled up right behind me! So naturally I shouted (as you do when you forget that your window is wound down) “Stop being so stupid! It’s obvious I’m reversing into a space! Why else would I drive diagonally across the road?” I don’t know if he heard me or not, but he backed off, and as he passed I gave him one of those “if looks could kill you would be dead right now” looks.

Sometimes people are a little overly patient though. Approaching crossroads on my way home there was a car sitting in the middle, facing me, waiting for me to pass so that he could turn. Now I make no exaggeration when I say I was still half way up the flamin’ road and a long way off from the junction – this person had all the time in the world to turn into the road, but I still had to flash him before he did.

Give me strength. It’s bad enough when pedestrians lack road sense, but other motorists?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

You Are Now Entering… The Twilight Zone

I know; I’m a very naughty, lazy, blogger. I haven’t blogged in ages, but in truth, nothing very blog worthy has happened in my life of late. Of course, I still haven’t told you about the time I was hunted down by a police dog last summer, but I shall save that for another time now.

Today the most bizarre thing happened. I woke up and took out one of my ear plugs to see what time it was (I know; I still haven’t worked that one out yet either). It was 1pm on the dot. But when I went to return the ear plug, it had gone! I sat up, expecting to find that it had rolled under me (I know; I still haven’t figured out how something can roll under an immovable object, but it does sometimes). Still no ear plug. In fact, I virtually stripped the whole bed looking for it. It was nowhere. It had vanished.

Now, I’m familiar with the tooth fairy and the sock monster, but an ear plug taker? In front of my very eyes? (I know; I still haven’t figured out what “very eyes” are, but it sounds good)

Obviously by this time Mr Man had stirred.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m looking for my ear plug. I took it out to see what time it was (yeah, I still haven’t worked it out yet) and now I can’t find it”
“What is the time?” he asked out of interest.
“It’s one O’clock” I answered, as I looked at my watch again. I don’t know why I looked at my watch again because I already knew what the time was. I suppose it’s one of those pointless things that we do, like when old people look at their watches when you offer them a cup of tea. It seems that these little time keepers hold the answers to all of life’s important questions – like whether to have a cup of tea or not.

However, this time when I looked it was 12pm on the dot. Eh? How could I have misread that? I could understand it if it was 5 past 12 and in my bleary eyed state had mistaken it to be 1pm, but…

There was only one explanation for it – we had travelled back in time! Had The Ear Plug Taker reversed time so that I wouldn’t remember him/her/it taking my ear plug? And what do they do with them?

I suppose, for now at least, that will remain one of life’s unanswered questions…

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Little Britain Abroad...

... Kenny Craig in Supermarket Sweep!

This is easily the funniest thing I have seen in the news for a long time.

“Police in Italy have issued footage of a man who is suspected of hypnotising supermarket checkout staff to hand over money from their cash registers.

In every case, the last thing staff reportedly remember is the thief leaning over and saying: "Look into my eyes", before finding the till empty.”
BBC News

I confess; the first thing I did when I read that last line is check the date to see if it was April the 1st!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I Have Piles

Yep, I have piles. Piles of washing, piles of dishes, piles of dust, piles of unopened mail…

Someone told me you could get a cream for it to soothe the itching. Is that the itching to run away? She didn’t say how or where to apply it though…

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Shaken not Stirred

It seems Inspector Gadget was right – the public believe that every thing that goes wrong is the fault of the Police. Why else would so many people ring the Police to report that they felt a tremor last night and that it woke them up?

What do they expect the Police to do about it?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Crash and Burn

I finally have my new laptop up and running, which means I can now watch YouTube videos without my laptop over heating and exploding! So...

I was searching for the Sheryl Crow song "Crash and Burn" last night on YouTube, and came across this incredible singer by the name of Corinne Lucy. I strongly recommend that you check out all her YouTube videos here, and also her MySpace here where she has some full studio recordings of some of her own tracks. Apart from having a beautiful voice she also seems to be a bit of a... nutter, which I kind of like in people.

Ok, this is the moment of truth... can I figure out how to include a YouTube video in a blog post?

Some of my favourites include Songbird, Woman, and... well, most of them really.

Monday, January 21, 2008

A Commercial Break

I realise I haven’t updated this blog for quite a long time. View it as a commercial break; time to put the kettle on, nip to the loo, get the chocolate digestives out, or whatever else it is you do to avoid watching those annoying TV adverts.

For those of you who like to stay put and be entertained by the adverts…

Tesco have an amazingly special offer on Crunchy Nut Cornflakes at the moment. Buy one box for £2.58 or buy two boxes for £2.50! They’re paying you 8p to take a second box! That’s better than Buy One Get One Free!

Every little helps.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

I See Stupid People

I was in Subway’s the other week.

“Can I have a serviette please?” I asked the lad behind the counter.
“What’s one of those?” he asked, confused.
“You know, tissue to wipe my hands on”
It's only when someone else handed me one that he said:
“Oh, I call them napkins”

Yeah, same thing Einstein.

You think that’s bad. I was shopping for a frame today.

“Do you have any frames 50 x 60 cm?” I asked the shop assistant, who was probably in her 40’s.
“Let’s see… we have this one – 40 x 50 cm?” she offered.
“No, that’s too small” I said. Then she went on to offer me frames that were too big.
“What size did you say you wanted?” she asked eventually.
“50 x 60 cm” I confirmed.
“So that’s more of a square shape really isn’t it?”
“Umm, no, not really”

How can 50 x 60 cm be more of a square shape than 40 x 50 cm?

Changing the subject slightly (although maybe not completely) I thought I’d like to try my hand at knife throwing as a new hobby. I saw a lovely cleaver in town today…


Friday, January 04, 2008

Here’s a question for you…

When I’m doing a turn in the road to reverse my car into my driveway, why do pedestrians on the pavement stop and look at me as if I’m aiming right for them and I’m going to mount the curb to run them over?

Seriously though; how many Irish Cream Truffles do you recon I could eat and still be under the driving limit? (Alcoholic Irish Cream silly, not dairy cream made from Irish cows!)