Tuesday, July 31, 2007

My Best Buy

And now for a real top tip…

This evening I bought a 200g jar of Nutella Chocolate spread to dip my mini doughnuts in. Yeah, that’s what I thought, a fantastic idea wasn’t it? But there’s more…

Recently I’ve had a problem with drinking glasses falling apart – usually in my hands while I’m washing up (bear with me on this; it’s not as completely random and unrelated to the jar of chocolate spread as it may seem). This leaves me with two problems: scarred hands and no glasses.

Whilst dipping my doughnuts in my jar of chocolate spread (as you do) it occurred to me that this jar would make a perfectly strong drinking glass – it’s thick glass, there is no screw thread at the top, and it’s actually drinking glass shaped rather than jar shaped. What’s more, the plastic “pop on” lid doubles as a can top for half used cans of food. All for 79p. What better excuse do you need for rushing out and buying half a dozen jars?

Oh, and the scars aren’t really that noticeable when your fingers are covered in chocolate spread.

Today’s Top Tip

When travelling west don’t drive in the evening on a sunny day.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


My day just improved by 100%

I just found a crunch corner yoghurt in the back of the fridge!

This is incredibly good news because at 20 minutes past midnight it means that I don’t have to start making jellies in an effort to satisfy my sweet tooth - and I won’t have to keep getting out of my chair every five minutes to take a peek in the fridge to see if they have set yet. (Come on, you know we all do it)

You may be interested to know that I actually invented the crunch corner yoghurt, sometime back in 1983 – 1984. Sadly I’ve never been credited with this amazing flash of inspiration.

I was in senior school, and every day with my lunch I would have a yoghurt and a “poo cake” as we called them – or a chocolate covered cornflake cake – and I would mix the two together before eating it. Some people copied; some people thought I was odd or disgusting. But how many crunch corner yoghurts are now sold every week, eh? That many people can’t be wrong can they?

I also used to eat my chips with artificial cream, but that one didn’t seem to catch on.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Today’s Top Tip

Cake. No knife required. Who needs slices?

Friday, July 13, 2007

Superstition Ain’t the Way

A line from “Superstition”, a number 1 hit in the US for Stevie Wonder in 1972, reaching number 11 in the UK charts. From the album “Talking Book”.

It was Friday the 13th today. Statistically, I wonder if more people were late for work today than on any other day of the year. I wonder if more people burnt their toast this morning, or spilt their milk. I wonder if the Accident & Emergency departments were busier than usual, or if the Police had to deal with more Road Traffic Collisions. And I wonder if the Fire Service had a busier day.

I just wondered.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Three Little Words

For smegs sake, the things you have to do for a line break. Why is the html tag not working?
Exhaustion. Pain. Frustration.

(Explanation. Absence. Apology.)

(Return. Soon. Hopeful.)
Pretty imaginative though eh? (White text on white background to produce spaces) I wonder if anyone will notice?

Friday, July 06, 2007

Punishment to Fit the Crime

I’m not a violent person at all. But like most people, I get really irritated by stupid people and sometimes feel that I’d like to knock a bit of sense into them… preferably with a baseball bat… but in reality I know I could never hurt anyone or anything. I’m the type of person who covers my eyes when people fight on the TV.

One of my brothers on the other hand is completely different. He’s a bully. He’s extremely aggressive and is well known to the police for this and other reasons. When his name is typed into the computer at the police station his details display in red, and flashing!* Some of the things he has done to other members of my family are unimaginable, and they are rarely on speaking terms with him. It’s not a nice thing to say about your own brother, but really there is no other way to describe him – he’s just a nasty person.

He’s recently become a father again, this time to a son. I can’t help feeling resentful of this.** I would love children, but for various reasons I know it will never happen.

My Mum told me that he had “beaten someone up” again yesterday.
“Great. Nice to see he is taking the responsibilities of Fatherhood seriously” I replied. But actually I was forced to eat my own words.

He punched the man after seeing him repeatedly beat a child laying on the ground, with his belt. What did the boy do to be “deserving” of such a punishment? He was late home from school.

A neighbour came out and took the child into her home, and called the police. When the police arrived to take statements they learned that the boy was 9 years old. He said his Mother and Father regularly beat him and his 4 year old sister, sometimes beating her while she is naked.

Apparently the officer said he would take the boy home and “have a word” with his parents. Is this for real? I like to think that for reasons of confidentiality the officer couldn’t reveal what his course of action would be. Or maybe he presumes that people know what the procedure in such a circumstance is, and the expression “have a word” is all encompassing. Maybe any police officers reading could enlighten us as to what would actually happen in such a circumstance?

Anyway, it seems whatever my views of my brother are; there are always people far, far worse, and much less deserving of having the privilege of raising children.

*Does this really happen or was the copper pulling my leg?

**I really need to tackle this problem as his son is nearly 4 weeks old and, I’m ashamed to say, I still haven’t made the effort to see him yet.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

That Explains It

Yesterdays breaking news was that all eight suspects, held in connection with the London and Glasgow bombs, worked in the NHS. Most of them were doctors. That explains a lot about the state of the National Health System.

I’m not sure which I find most disturbing: the fact that we put our lives in the hands of people who would rather kill us than save our lives, or the fact that they are so completely incompetent – as proved by their failure to even blow up a burning car with a bomb in it.

As they were being arrested, the two men at Glasgow airport could be heard arguing.
“You’re supposed to light the wick sticking out of the bomb, not set fire to yourself!”
“It’s your stupid driving, I dropped the match!”

Earlier, in London
“Hello Dr Ayman al-Zawahiri; thank you for coming to the ‘phone. I’m sorry but I couldn’t detonate those bombs; I seem to have misplaced the detonator. Oh, I’m sorry, can you excuse me? I’m being interrupted by a patient…”

“Doctor, I feel much better after having my Gall Bladder removed, but I’ve noticed a very strange ticking sound…”