Saturday, March 31, 2007

What a Duffer...

Umm… yeah, I found out tonight why those star jumps were so blinkin’ hard to do…

I was at a friends house tonight, and experienced a strange desire to share my star jumping technique with her.
“I was doing star jumps earlier” I said, leaping out of my chair to demonstrate.
I stood in the centre of her living room and jumped up in the air whilst spreading my arms and legs out to the side at the same time, and then landing with my feet together and my arms by my side - a bit like a rather feeble attempt at those jumps they used to do in “Fame” when we were kids, but with my feet only leaving the floor by a few inches! My friend burst into fits of laughter.
“That’s not how you do star jumps!” she exclaimed, “You do them like this…”
She got up to join me in our jumping session. She jumped and landed with her legs apart and with her arms outstretched in one simple movement, and then jumped again as she brought her legs together and her arms down by her sides. She repeated this a few times before we had to stop through being doubled over with laughter.
“Oh. No wonder they were so hard to do!” I cried.
“Mr Man, how do you put up with her?” she asked, shaking her head.
“Hey, hang on a minute!” I protested through my laughs, “He was doing them like that as well…”

Friday, March 30, 2007

Today's Top Tip

If you’re overweight and extremely unfit, try to resist the sudden urge to do star jumps, no matter how strong the desire.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

An End to Slavery?

There has been a lot of news articles recently about the 200th anniversary of the “abolition” of the slave trade, which apparently falls on Sunday 25th March.

The media has focussed a lot of attention on sex trafficking and described that as a type of slavery, as if the connection between the two has only just occurred to them, or as if they’ve only just discovered that it exists.

Wake up and smell your Fair Trade coffee.

And then there’s this little gem.

Personally I find it perversely hypocritical to say on one hand:

“We’re appalled that our ancestors used to treat their fellow man in this way. We’re so glad that we’re a civilised nation now, and don’t earn our fortunes through the slave trade anymore”

…and then on the other hand say…

“…but I’ll keep hold of my huge inheritance that was amassed through treating others in such an appalling way, thank you very much.”

If you wish, you can help to pay for the upkeep of their home which was built on slavery, and in exchange have a guided tour. Of course, being a charitable institution, you are encouraged to pay more than the base entry fee, thus enabling them to claim a further 28% from the government.

In keeping with the spirit of charity, entry is free on Sunday 25th March – the 200th anniversary of the abolition of the slave trade.

Happy anniversary.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It's a Bum Rap

I was chatting with my brother on the phone tonight and he was complaining about how every piece of mail through his letter box just lately is to tell him that another bill has gone up. He’s tried to cut back where he can, and as he doesn’t use the internet much he decided to switch his ISP so that he could take advantage of the free service provided by his digital TV service provider. He jokingly said that he’ll also have to use the free newspaper instead of toilet paper soon to save money. Anyway, after deciding to announce that he needed to go to do a poo, he asked me to email him to make sure that his new email address was working properly, so I decided to compose a rap…

Yo, Bro
You said you had to go
But I’m still smilin’
While you’re on the Poe
Now there’s somethin’ you should know
Don’t waste the
Newspaper, down the pan
‘Cos later
What you choose
To use
You’ll accuse
When your pan’s blocked
Don’t act shocked
It’s not like I didn’t warn you
Not tryin’ to scorn you
Never diss you
I still miss you
I’m just saying
You’ll be paying
For a plumber
It’s a bummer
So use Andrex ok?

Friday, March 16, 2007

Red Nose Day

It’s done. He did it. Mike (and others) completed the mammoth task of compiling a book in just seven days. Shaggy Blog Stories.

But this isn’t just any old book. Oh no no! This book contains entries from 100 authors (more than even the Bible with a mere 40), and all British Bloggers at that, all with the sole intention of bringing a smile to your fair face and raising money for Comic Relief at the same time.

So what are you waiting for? Oh, where to buy it? Of course, silly old me…

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Genetically Modified Tomatoes?

Listen, if you’re going to waste time trying to reinvent the wheel, why don’t you do something really useful and make the cherry tomato square so that it doesn’t keep rolling off my plate? (And for some reason it always seems to roll towards me when it’s covered in an oily dressing)

And while you’re at it, how about genetically modifying the plastic bottle so that my shopping doesn’t keep falling over and rolling around all over the place? I can’t possibly be the only person in the world who absolutely despairs at trying to get these bottles to stand upright, so why has no one redesigned this utterly useless piece of plastic? It's as pointless as storing liquid in a balloon - both roll all over the place, and have you ever tried untying a balloon with liquid in it? It makes a mess doesn’t it? Yeah, the same thing happens when you open a bottle of pop that’s been rolling around on the floor.

How can human kind possess the knowledge and technology to enable them to propel satellites into space and yet not realise that the design of the Pepsi cola bottle is seriously flawed? And why waste time trying to make a tomato red when it’s already red, and juicy when it’s already juicy, when all I really want is to be able to eat the smeggin’ thing without it rolling under the table?

Friday, March 09, 2007

Shaggy Blog Stories

Attention all bloggers!

Today I have stumbled across this brilliant idea.

Basically, all bloggers are being asked to submit just one blog post, preferably their funniest, to be included in a book entitled “Shaggy Blog Stories” which will go on sale next Friday, 16th March. As you may, or may not know, this date is Red Nose Day, and all money raised (minus publishing fees) will be donated to Comic Relief.

Time is ticking away! This book is being compiled in just 7 days, with the closing time/date being 6pm GMT Wednesday 14th March. (Surely this has to be a record for the largest amount of contributors for one book, and being compiled in the shortest amount of time?)

Everyone is being encouraged to publicise this event on their own blogs, contribute to the book themselves, buy the book next Friday, and advertise the book once it goes on sale.

I’m not sure if I’ve really ever written anything that funny myself, but I hope to read some of my favourite posts by other bloggers.

So get blogging!

You can read more about this event here:

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Oompa Loompa Doompety Doo…

Lyrics from the “Oompa Loompa” songs written by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley for the film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” 1971. The original book, which was entitled “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”, was written by Roald Dahl and first published in 1964. The screen play of the 1971 film adaption was written by Roald Dahl and David Seltzer, and by John August in the 2005 remake, which was titled the same as the book.

I’m starting to look like Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate factory. No, not in colour; that would be extremely worrying, but in shape.

I have a wedding to attend in May and I haven’t a chance in hell of actually losing an ounce of weight before I go, unless I start chopping some limbs off. I’m just not in the right frame of mind at the moment. You know how it is; eating old musicals while watching cake, drinking my blanket, and crocheting the Malibu. I start off with good intentions; just the other night I had a salad with “Mexican style” brown rice and kidney beans; I felt so virtuous. I wanted to increase my vegetable intake so I followed that up with six slices of carrot cake – I never believed carrots could taste so good. So you see, I was doing really well, but later that night when I couldn’t sleep I gave in to temptation and ate four chocolate chip cookies. No wonder I can’t lose weight. Actually, I have been going to a slimming club, but it occurred to me that I could save my money by not going and have an extra fiver to spend on biscuits each week. I mean, what’s the point in going anyway? I spend all that money to hear something my waistband has already told me.

Still, if the wedding reception is in fancy dress I have some purple outfits hanging in my wardrobe…

Image from

Saturday, March 03, 2007


I just read this article on Inspector Gadgets blog.

I don’t care that he was a Police officer. I care that he is a human being.

How much little is a life worth these days?

In particular read this incredibly moving poem by James, the brother of the victim, Daniel Coffill.

Daniel Coffill